THRUUE POINTS BLOG

Obituary: Annual Performance Review “Ranking” Has Died

By Daniel Forrester, CEO

Annual Performance Review (APR) died last Sunday after a decades-long reign over Human Resources. He is perhaps best remembered for the millions of hours he spent categorizing people into meaningless buckets and alienating workers around the world.

Nick-named “Ranking” by his very few friends and confidants, APR had been suffering for the last few years from several chronic conditions, including subjectivity, silo-mentality, bureaucracy, posturing, detachment, and gaming the system. Though bed-bound for weeks, APR kept working until the end. He was found smiling and hugging an iPad open to one of his favorite spreadsheets, which qualitatively ranked employees at the multinational company he had been advising.

Reaction to his death has been pouring in from around the world. Openness, a vocal opponent of APR, took to his highly followed Twitter account with the following:

twitter_1

Candor, another of APR’s rivals, also tweeted:

twittr_2

 

 

 

 

Opportunity Costs generated the most controversial response when she tweeted the following:

twitter_3

 

 

 

 

instagram_post_v2Growth-Planning, who has flourished with international acclaim in recent years, shared the picture to the left of a leader mentoring a junior employee with patience and wisdom during their regular, monthly check-in. Within an hour, the image became a symbol for Leaders seeking to live in a new corporate culture devoid of APR’s grip.

APR’s memorial service will not take place until next year. His will stipulated that those wishing to attend must apply online and be ranked in the top 5% of mourners (as determined by an algorithm he worked on for years). Those wishing to speak must show proof of a TED Talk with at least five million views. Would-be speakers will also be required to interview with APR’s appointed Global Leadership Team (GLT) and demonstrate their ability to show his life as “well above the mean.”

APR was born in the late 1960s to parents Rigid and Structure. Both were activists inside large companies throughout the 1980s. APR earned his PhD in Hierarchy from the University of High-Costs and Unclear-ROI in 1993. There, he studied under the famous academics, Microsoft Excel and Pivot Table.

APR is survived by several younger siblings and numerous cousins. All declined to be interviewed for this article, though one cousin did remark for the record: “Whatever we told APR we were proudest of always came back to haunt us, so we just smiled and left him alone.”

The family has asked that, in lieu of flowers, mourners subjectively rank people in their community or companies from lowest to highest value. Newly empowered employees have, however, rejected this request and begun to walk arm-in-arm into their offices around the world. According to several sources, water coolers are becoming hubs for recovering employees to share, convene, and dream again about why they joined their companies and how they hope to grow.

Return to Blog

tweet with us @THRUUE

THRUUE @THRUUE
THRUUE Inc.  @THRUUE
Reflections on 9/11 from @dpforrester "...we would measure the rest of our days from the horror of that morning." https://t.co/eVGzHslQ3Z 
THRUUE Inc.  @THRUUE
The machines shaping our future are being programmed with human core values - are they the right ones? #AI #Alexa https://t.co/o0MtrG8FGl 
THRUUE Inc.  @THRUUE
@DPForrester & Sr. Analyst Aileen Gray consider the rise of AI and the #human #values embedded in their code https://t.co/vFLbhfRYcz 

Want to help your company BreakTHRUUE? ENGAGE US

Sign Up For Our Newsletter